The Natural Man

Disclaimer: Unlike much of my writing, this blog contains some religious material that is from our faith: The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. This blog is not an official statement of doctrine, and is the author's opinion. Any questions about the official doctrine of the church may be answered by visiting http://www.mormon.org.

In this day of moral relativism there are two words that have been grossly twisted by the intellectual community. These words are tolerance and natural. These manipulations have done a wonderful job at promoting immoral and unethical lifestyles. The societal norm, which in our grandparent's day was a safeguard against promiscuity, adultery, pornography, dishonesty and other heinous sins, has been replaced by a new societal norm in which the only thing that is seen as wrong is saying that something is wrong. As I watch the popular culture of our wonderful nation slide further and further into the gutter, I am incredibly fearful for my own son's future in this increasingly disgusting world. And so I wish to put the record straight about the meanings that these words are supposed to convey so that we can hopefully adjust some of our thinking and in so doing adjust some of our behavior.

Merriam-Webster defines tolerance in several different ways. One of them is what most people think of when they say the word tolerance. It is: "sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own." However, I think that the other definitions are also good to look at. This one: "the maximum amount of a pesticide residue that may lawfully remain on or in food" is my favorite. Leave it to the FDA to help me define what I think tolerance today really is. But lets return to the first definition. Sympathy conveys that you feel sorry for a person's beliefs or practices. When you feel sorry for someone, you typically try to help them improve their situation. This is not considered wrong and is really what tolerance is all about. We don't condemn or judge, but we have sympathy and try to help them fix whatever situation we feel sorry for. Indulgence is what the world focuses on when they drop the word tolerance. Indulgence conveys images of a parent-child relationship in which the parent spoils or indulges the child. In other words the parent allows the child to make decisions that the child is not ready to make in regards to his/her appetites and desires. This harmful parent-child relationship, if carried to its extreme, leads to childhood obesity, a sense of entitlement and utter disregard for others. It also erodes or altogether eliminates self control. This is what we do when we indulge our children, and as parents have indulged their children, it has led us as a society to indulge disgusting and corrupt practices that erode the moral fabric around which any good society must be built.

Now, I don't want to make the impression that I am a closed minded bigot who wants all immorality stamped out violently. I am not a fanatic. What I do want to make the impression of is that I am sick of being called closed minded or bigoted when I call evil evil. The political correctness of our day has made it so that our opinions have to be so closely shrouded in proper vernacular that we can no longer express our opinions in a way that leaves no doubt as to where we stand. This is a tragedy. I can no longer express tolerance in a way that is sympathetic. I can no longer seek to help those who are in the wrong path because just by saying there is a wrong path I have become hopelessly politically incorrect. I have to be indulgent or silent. The fact is there is such thing as a wrong path. The human machine was made to operate in certain ways and operating it in any other way is wrong. Even though something may feel good or seem easy, does not make it right or acceptable.

This leads me to the second word that I feel is being used in all the wrong ways today: natural. Natural means literally "from nature." I have heard this word used as justification for so many things that are not right. I remember having a discussion about pornography and a person said "looking at pornography is bad but it comes from a totally natural thing, which is for a man to check out a woman." Yup, totally agree. I would even say that looking at pornography is a natural thing as well. You could look at it as browsing at the grocery store. Since sex is on the same "natural" level as eating, it only makes sense that browsing for food and browsing for sexual fulfillment are on the same level. No matter that even as women make great strides to become independent and free from male dominated society, pornography is objectifying and diminishing them much more than any 1950s husband ever did. No matter that since pornography has become widespread, the divorce and infidelity rates have become equally widespread. No matter... it's natural. This same justification has been used for homosexuality, adultery, and masturbation and those are just the ones I've heard. No doubt it is also used for justification of many other deeply heinous sins. Lets carry this to its logical conclusion. If saying something is natural is the same as saying it is acceptable, then where would we be? In the natural world carnivorous males often dominate their female herds/packs/prides (polygamy). When the male feels sexually inclined, he has sex with any female within reach (rape) including his own daughters/sisters/mother (incest). If another male threatens his standing or seeks to encroach his territory, he fights with and kills him (murder). If there is not enough food to share, the male simply eats his young or a hurt member of the herd/pack/tribe (cannibalism). Just watch Animal Planet for a day and you will very quickly see that we do not want natural to equal acceptable. Indeed there has to be a great deal of self restraint in any civilized society. So it is clear that we cannot look to nature for our moral guidance, so where can we look?

From the Book of Mormon comes this inciteful verse "For the natural man is an enemy to God ... and will be forever unless he putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord." The natural man is an ENEMY to God. Well that settles it. When somebody tells me something is "natural" that's probably a good indication that I want to stay as far away from it as possible. In the example above about "checking out" women as being natural, Christ himself said "and whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already in his heart." If adultery is bad, which it almost universally is considered to be, then pornography and all of its disgusting offspring is too. If we say that to kill in anger is natural but wrong, wouldn't it be safe to say that there are other natural things that are also wrong?

Now, the next time that you seek to justify some action because it is natural... think about

whether it is right, because quite frankly, when deciding whether or not to do something, whether or not it is natural is irrelevant. Let's try to be tolerant the right way. We should respect all people but never indulge practices that are contrary to God's commandments. Let us stand up and say "I respect you as a person, and I love you and so does God, but what you are doing is not right." That is still tolerant. We can say "I have sympathy for the makers of this filth they call a movie, but I will not let their corruption into my house." We don't have to push the limits of the FDA definition of tolerance by seeing how much poison can remain in our diets. If more people can do this, then I can have hope for the world that I am passing onto my son, but if not then I am afraid that we will come to know what exactly it means to be an "enemy to God."

Relationships

So the last few days I have been reading a book called Men and Women: Enjoying The Difference by Dr. Larry Crabb. I haven't actually gotten into the part where he talks about men and women's differences, but his chapters about the problems that are universal in relationships has changed the way I look at everything in my relationships. Now this is not my first relationship book, and it won't be my last, but I will read them all with a different eye now. Now, this author is a born again Christian and so it often lacks the Eternal Marriage perspective that LDS authors have, but for right here and right now, this guy is right on the money.

The first thing he talks about is the two "camps" of Christian counseling. The first is what he calls the moralistic approach. That approach is basically the: you do lots of good things and repent of the bad things, approach. The other is what he calls the Egalitarian approach. That is the: lets talk about the deep wounds that you have inside and deal with those issues so that you can love yourself enough to love others, approach. He then explains why both approaches miss the mark. Yes, you may need to do more things to improve yourself morally, and yes you may have unresolved deep seated issues that inhibit your ability to relate properly, but that is not the core problem. The core problem is that we love ourselves more than anyone else. Both of those popular approaches doesn't deal with human selfishness as what it is. Selfishness is not an inconsequential oversight, and it's not a symptom of a far deeper hurt, it's a disgusting sin that needs to be seen in its ugliness and repented of.

Now in saying this, I don't mean to discredit or discount professional counseling. I truly believe that it does a lot of good for a lot of people. But I would still say that asking people to focus on themselves as a solution to a problem, even if that focusing is to try to fix themselves, is not the best answer. Too often, focusing on our own needs and desires and issues just leads to more selfishness. Consider a woman, deeply troubled by her childhood abuse at the hands of a trusted family member, be it physical or sexual. She builds walls that make it very difficult for her to relate to her husband, fearing that he is just like her abuser: kind on the outside, but really just waiting for an opportune time to hurt her. Her husband was raised in a home with little affection. He grew up tough and independent, but inside he still yearns for affection and for someone to tell him that he is good enough. Now his issues are not nearly as deep as his wife's, but they are still there. Because his wife, through no fault of her own, has problems trusting, she withholds affection from her husband who desperately needs it to validate his hard work. In turn, if he has a good moralistic self discipline he doesn't fight with her, he just simply grows cold and becomes even more independent. His wife takes his lack of affection as proof that he really doesn't love her, and starts inventing things that he is doing to try to hurt her.

Now, let's take a moment and analyze this. This is not at all an unusual marriage. Perhaps not all marriages have these problems, but every spouse comes laden with his/her own special baggage. Both parties are really hurting. So what is the solution? At first, the husband thinks that his wife deserves his coldness, because after all, his wife is unresponsive to his need for affection. His wife on the other hand believes that he doesn't deserve her affection because of whatever sins, real or imagined by her, that he has committed. It's a vicious cycle and one that will only drive this couple farther and farther apart. Well, luckily this particular couple is committed to their marriage, so they decide to get counseling.

After months of counseling the woman's repressed memories of childhood abuse are revealed. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, she is not really rejecting him, but is rejecting the memories of the abuse that manifest themselves through him. The counselor then shares that the real reason that she does this is because she still blames herself for the abuse and doesn't think that she is worthy of affection. The husband also discovers that he has sought his whole life for the approval of his father, but that approval never came, and so now he is dependent on his wife for that approval. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, that is when she needs the most love. The counselor then tells the wife that the best thing that she can do for her marriage is to praise her husband. They are sent home from counseling with a game plan to get their marriage back on track.

When they try to put this into practice though, the real enemy of their relationship shows up: selfishness. When the husband gets rejected, he continues to love his wife and reach out to her. For the first week or two he does it with no resentment. After a while though he starts to say to himself "Why doesn't my wife understand that I need reassurance sometimes too? Why do I have to be the strong one. She's just being selfish(because when we are in a selfish mindset, we say that everyone else is). I'm a victim too." He rehearses in his mind what he wants to say to her, to express his needs like he was taught in counseling. Then he decides that this conversation probably wouldn't help his wife do what he wanted her to do, so he doesn't bring it up. He decides to be "patient." Now here's the critical part. Instead of recognizing that his selfish thoughts were sinful, and repenting of them and using the atonement to change his heart, he congratulates himself on not fighting with his wife. Instead of using it as an opportunity to ask Christ for a deeper, more lasting change, he pats himself on the back for behaving himself.

Now, isn't that good though? He didn't fight after all, and isn't that what we're going for in marriage, and in life? The answer is it's not good. He simply adds that almost-fight to his list of things that he does for his wife, that she doesn't do for him. Then it happens again and again and again. It's like putting barrels of gunpowder in a room with a 50 year old space heater. Meanwhile, the wife is doing the same thing. Every time she does give him affection she recognizes that it was difficult for her. She thinks, "he just doesn't understand how hard it is for me to block out these memories every time he needs validation. He's so selfish, why does he want to put me through that? I am doing better than before, why can't he appreciate what I am doing for him rather than always needing more?" So every time she gives him the praise that he so desperately needs, she marks it off as one more thing she does for him that he doesn't understand.

Do you see the problem here? Even as they are physically serving each other, the root feeling of selfishness is still there. In essence they say, "sure I will do for you," but inside it is really about themselves. Now let's consider another example of someone who had considerable baggage. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. He grew up in a rural town and was a pretty popular kid. At the age of 30 he decides to start telling people about who He really is in an attempt to help them understand how to return to His father. Because of this, His whole town turns on Him and tries to throw Him off a cliff. Meanwhile the most powerful judicial body in His country plots to have Him killed. After 3 short years He is asked by His father to do what He was sent to do. In a way that we do not comprehend, He takes upon Himself the pain of every sin that ever was or ever will be. Now, if He were like us, He could have marked that one down as something He did for everyone that we don't do for Him. He could have thought, "alright Pharisees, I just bled from every pore, now it's my turn to be taken care of. Come on Pilate and you soldiers; do you have any idea what you owe me?" Instead I think His words were "forgive them father, for they know not what they do."

If anybody had cause to complain, or to think about themselves... He did. If anyone had a right to think a selfish thought or say "I have to think about what's best for me right now," He did. But He didn't do any of that because it was never about Him. It was about everyone else. But, the good news is that because He did that, all of us can recognize our own selfishness and repent of it. When we have those negative thoughts, ask forgiveness of your spouse. Don't explain that it was negative, but if it weren't for your mean dad, you wouldn't have acted like that. Don't lovingly help your spouse understand that if it weren't for your extremely rigid and strict mother, you wouldn't act that way. Just say, selfishness is ugly and I was being selfish. I'm sorry. Instead of trying to "act" unselfishly, try to be unselfish. Put other's needs, especially your spouse's, before your own. And don't do it because you don't like conflict, or because you're too tired to fight that day, or because you've made a commitment not to act badly anymore. Do it because your spouse needs you. Do it because you care for him/her deeply and want nothing more than his/her happiness. Do it because you're tired of being selfish.

The other day, I sat Gabby down and asked her forgiveness for every bad thought and selfish motive that I could think of. It let me realize that I really am a selfish jerk. Now, I would love to say that that is all there is to it, but just 5 hours ago that selfishness came back. It's not a simple thing to do and hopefully with practice and help from the Savior, I will be able to overcome myself, but the best thing is that I don't have any illusions about myself as a husband anymore. And in that honest state Christ can work with me. I know that we can all do it, and I know that if we let go or ourselves, He will replace them with Himself. So let's try, and let's see if we can make our relationships just a little stronger.

New Blog!

So our new blog for some reason wasn't working and was saying our blog didn't exist when you clicked on it, so we have started a new one!  Come follow it!

Lots has happened since 2010.  Brayden will already be a year old this coming April.  We will also be married two years in May.

He is so big.  He is a little crawling and standing machine.  We love him so much.  Today Chris was telling me that when he was upstairs with him, Brayden would hear my voice and say "ma ma ma" out loud and then when I would stop talking, he wouldn't say anything.  He is so smart.  I know he will be a fantastic big brother in the future.

I think it's so crazy how much he has changed in a year.  He was born with VERY dark hair.  He pretty much looked exactly like me.  Now he looks exactly like Chris with his blonde hair.  He still has blue eyes like me and my little nose but everything else is Chris.

BEFORE

AFTER

:)