The first thing he talks about is the two "camps" of Christian counseling. The first is what he calls the moralistic approach. That approach is basically the: you do lots of good things and repent of the bad things, approach. The other is what he calls the Egalitarian approach. That is the: lets talk about the deep wounds that you have inside and deal with those issues so that you can love yourself enough to love others, approach. He then explains why both approaches miss the mark. Yes, you may need to do more things to improve yourself morally, and yes you may have unresolved deep seated issues that inhibit your ability to relate properly, but that is not the core problem. The core problem is that we love ourselves more than anyone else. Both of those popular approaches doesn't deal with human selfishness as what it is. Selfishness is not an inconsequential oversight, and it's not a symptom of a far deeper hurt, it's a disgusting sin that needs to be seen in its ugliness and repented of.
Now in saying this, I don't mean to discredit or discount professional counseling. I truly believe that it does a lot of good for a lot of people. But I would still say that asking people to focus on themselves as a solution to a problem, even if that focusing is to try to fix themselves, is not the best answer. Too often, focusing on our own needs and desires and issues just leads to more selfishness. Consider a woman, deeply troubled by her childhood abuse at the hands of a trusted family member, be it physical or sexual. She builds walls that make it very difficult for her to relate to her husband, fearing that he is just like her abuser: kind on the outside, but really just waiting for an opportune time to hurt her. Her husband was raised in a home with little affection. He grew up tough and independent, but inside he still yearns for affection and for someone to tell him that he is good enough. Now his issues are not nearly as deep as his wife's, but they are still there. Because his wife, through no fault of her own, has problems trusting, she withholds affection from her husband who desperately needs it to validate his hard work. In turn, if he has a good moralistic self discipline he doesn't fight with her, he just simply grows cold and becomes even more independent. His wife takes his lack of affection as proof that he really doesn't love her, and starts inventing things that he is doing to try to hurt her.
Now, let's take a moment and analyze this. This is not at all an unusual marriage. Perhaps not all marriages have these problems, but every spouse comes laden with his/her own special baggage. Both parties are really hurting. So what is the solution? At first, the husband thinks that his wife deserves his coldness, because after all, his wife is unresponsive to his need for affection. His wife on the other hand believes that he doesn't deserve her affection because of whatever sins, real or imagined by her, that he has committed. It's a vicious cycle and one that will only drive this couple farther and farther apart. Well, luckily this particular couple is committed to their marriage, so they decide to get counseling.
After months of counseling the woman's repressed memories of childhood abuse are revealed. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, she is not really rejecting him, but is rejecting the memories of the abuse that manifest themselves through him. The counselor then shares that the real reason that she does this is because she still blames herself for the abuse and doesn't think that she is worthy of affection. The husband also discovers that he has sought his whole life for the approval of his father, but that approval never came, and so now he is dependent on his wife for that approval. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, that is when she needs the most love. The counselor then tells the wife that the best thing that she can do for her marriage is to praise her husband. They are sent home from counseling with a game plan to get their marriage back on track.
When they try to put this into practice though, the real enemy of their relationship shows up: selfishness. When the husband gets rejected, he continues to love his wife and reach out to her. For the first week or two he does it with no resentment. After a while though he starts to say to himself "Why doesn't my wife understand that I need reassurance sometimes too? Why do I have to be the strong one. She's just being selfish(because when we are in a selfish mindset, we say that everyone else is). I'm a victim too." He rehearses in his mind what he wants to say to her, to express his needs like he was taught in counseling. Then he decides that this conversation probably wouldn't help his wife do what he wanted her to do, so he doesn't bring it up. He decides to be "patient." Now here's the critical part. Instead of recognizing that his selfish thoughts were sinful, and repenting of them and using the atonement to change his heart, he congratulates himself on not fighting with his wife. Instead of using it as an opportunity to ask Christ for a deeper, more lasting change, he pats himself on the back for behaving himself.
Now, isn't that good though? He didn't fight after all, and isn't that what we're going for in marriage, and in life? The answer is it's not good. He simply adds that almost-fight to his list of things that he does for his wife, that she doesn't do for him. Then it happens again and again and again. It's like putting barrels of gunpowder in a room with a 50 year old space heater. Meanwhile, the wife is doing the same thing. Every time she does give him affection she recognizes that it was difficult for her. She thinks, "he just doesn't understand how hard it is for me to block out these memories every time he needs validation. He's so selfish, why does he want to put me through that? I am doing better than before, why can't he appreciate what I am doing for him rather than always needing more?" So every time she gives him the praise that he so desperately needs, she marks it off as one more thing she does for him that he doesn't understand.
Do you see the problem here? Even as they are physically serving each other, the root feeling of selfishness is still there. In essence they say, "sure I will do for you," but inside it is really about themselves. Now let's consider another example of someone who had considerable baggage. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. He grew up in a rural town and was a pretty popular kid. At the age of 30 he decides to start telling people about who He really is in an attempt to help them understand how to return to His father. Because of this, His whole town turns on Him and tries to throw Him off a cliff. Meanwhile the most powerful judicial body in His country plots to have Him killed. After 3 short years He is asked by His father to do what He was sent to do. In a way that we do not comprehend, He takes upon Himself the pain of every sin that ever was or ever will be. Now, if He were like us, He could have marked that one down as something He did for everyone that we don't do for Him. He could have thought, "alright Pharisees, I just bled from every pore, now it's my turn to be taken care of. Come on Pilate and you soldiers; do you have any idea what you owe me?" Instead I think His words were "forgive them father, for they know not what they do."
If anybody had cause to complain, or to think about themselves... He did. If anyone had a right to think a selfish thought or say "I have to think about what's best for me right now," He did. But He didn't do any of that because it was never about Him. It was about everyone else. But, the good news is that because He did that, all of us can recognize our own selfishness and repent of it. When we have those negative thoughts, ask forgiveness of your spouse. Don't explain that it was negative, but if it weren't for your mean dad, you wouldn't have acted like that. Don't lovingly help your spouse understand that if it weren't for your extremely rigid and strict mother, you wouldn't act that way. Just say, selfishness is ugly and I was being selfish. I'm sorry. Instead of trying to "act" unselfishly, try to be unselfish. Put other's needs, especially your spouse's, before your own. And don't do it because you don't like conflict, or because you're too tired to fight that day, or because you've made a commitment not to act badly anymore. Do it because your spouse needs you. Do it because you care for him/her deeply and want nothing more than his/her happiness. Do it because you're tired of being selfish.
The other day, I sat Gabby down and asked her forgiveness for every bad thought and selfish motive that I could think of. It let me realize that I really am a selfish jerk. Now, I would love to say that that is all there is to it, but just 5 hours ago that selfishness came back. It's not a simple thing to do and hopefully with practice and help from the Savior, I will be able to overcome myself, but the best thing is that I don't have any illusions about myself as a husband anymore. And in that honest state Christ can work with me. I know that we can all do it, and I know that if we let go or ourselves, He will replace them with Himself. So let's try, and let's see if we can make our relationships just a little stronger.
