A Mighty Change Of Heart

"And the Lord said unto me: 'Marvel not that all mankind, yea men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters'"

-Alma (Mosiah 27:25)

Lately I have been increasingly enamored with a doctrine that has always seemed so simple to me. That is the principle of a change of heart or being born again (while there are subtle differences between the uses of these phrases, in this post I will use them interchangeably because they are very similar). The Savior said to Nicodemus "Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God (John 3:3)." Paul speaks several times of the necessity of being changed from a fallen state to a more righteous state, and so does Peter in the New Testament. The Book of Mormon is also filled with references to this doctrine. It is apparent that the doctrine of being born again, and having a mighty change of heart is fully supported by scripture. The question is, what does that mean for us?

I have a few quotes from C.S. Lewis and the Book of Mormon that helped me to see my own lack in this area. William Law said "if you will here stop and ask yourselves why you are not as pious as the primitive Christians were, your own heart will tell you, that it is neither through ignorance nor inability, but purely because you never thoroughly intended it." This was the starting place for me to come to better understand the change of heart. I always respected those men and women who have risen above the world and by so doing have come closer to God than most of the rest of us. The prophets both ancient and modern are good examples. There is a story told of a group of men sitting around talking about a fellow Christian whose house had burned down. They all expressed how sorry they were for the man and his family. Joseph Smith, a prophet, came up to them and said "I am sorry to the amount of ten dollars (a much more considerable sum of money then than it is today)."

So often I have used lip service to describe my desires to draw closer to God. What I have always failed to do is say "I want to be closer to God in the amount of ... " For me, it was in the amount of a half hour of sleep, hours of TV and video games, and prideful emotions. I would instead say things like "I want to be closer to God." And then I would look up to see if my halo was in place for even voicing such a wonderful statement. So the first step in my search for a change of heart happened when I actually chose to seek it. I wanted to be like the prophets and apostles and Jesus Himself the same way that a bum wants a Corvette. Sure he would like a Corvette, but he doesn't want to go through the education or long hours of work and the self discipline of saving in order to buy one. When we passively watch our individual "Corvettes" drive by us, we are only lying to ourselves if we say that we want them.

"Give me all of you. I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want you! All of you. I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to kill it. No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them all over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self---in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

C.S. Lewis wrote this as a quote from Jesus. There is something very complete in the analogy of being born again. You can't have a habit born again or a piece here or there. You can't change one thing and claim to have been born again. When we are born again, what we receive is something completely new. Just as Christ says that we do not put new wine in old bottles, we cannot have the full measure of the Spirit in a body that is not born again. Just as we cannot go to the gospel buffet and pick the things that we would like and leave the rest, we cannot say to God "Look, I know you want me to change this particular habit or action but I just don't think it is that bad. Not to mention I like doing it. I value your opinion God, but I really think I know better on this one." I would never dream of actually saying that to God, but I often find myself ignoring His promptings, and that is in essence saying it.

Of course, here's the rub. It is a certified fact that humans don't do the right thing (I won't use the word mistake here because a mistake is something done inadvertently). At some point in the very recent past, if we will be truly honest with ourselves, we will recognize that we knew that what we were doing was not in line with God's will and we did it anyway. It may have been that mean word that we said to our spouse or child, or that bad thought we had about the driver who cut us off. I use those examples because they are probably the most common sins in my life. Regardless of each individual challenge we recognize that we do not do what we know we should do quite often. So that is what brings us to this need for something higher than ourselves to change us into beings that are able to choose the right.

"Because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." (Mosiah 5:2)

So many times I have heard things like "Alma (or Paul) was special. The rest of us are much different." Now I admit that most people do not see angels or the ressurected Lord, but their conversions are preserved in the scriptures so that we can emulate them. Both of these great men received revelation that convinced them of their errors, and then after painful repentance processes both ended up as great men. Since I receive revelation frequently that convinces me of my errors, I am in the same position as them. I don't need to have the calling of a prophet or an apostle to be as worthy as one. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to be perfected in Him. That means at some point in eternity I will have to give up the petty sins and little imperfections that I tenaciously hold onto.

The question that I pose to myself and any other fellow procrastinator is "why wait?" I have the conviction that God lives and I know what His plan for me is... so why should I live beneath what He wants for me? I refer back to the quote by William Law... it is because I never really intended to be what He wants me to be. I want to get closer to God. I want a change of heart. But I don't want those things in the amount of... all of the things that I could change that I haven't yet. An interesting thing about the change of heart is that the heart is the home of our desires. Frequently the scriptures speak of the "desires of our heart." The people in the scripture above did not say "we will never ever do anything wrong again." They said "we have no more desire to do evil." However, that does not necessarily make the quest for a change of heart easier. A desire is much deeper than an action. This is why we cannot do it ourselves. I have many desires, but I don't force myself to have any of them. However, God does not go around our agency. He will not change a heart we do not want him to change. We show him how much we want our heart to be changed by what we are willing to change ourselves. Me changing a few actions is nothing compared to Him changing my whole heart, but it is the act of changing those behaviors that allows Him to change my heart.

Going back to the Corvette analogy... our attempts to change our behavior is like a proof of income or a good credit rating or a large down payment. It does not signify that we can actually buy the Corvette, but it does signify to someone who can (the bank) that we are serious about this purchase and that we truly intend to purchase it eventually. We may not be able to have everything it takes now, but we are willing to put our credit rating and future income on the line as proof that I will pay for it. God is our creditor. He can do for us what we could never do for ourselves, but only on condition that we first show Him and ourselves in the process that we are willing to be what He wants us to be. This is in essence the change of heart. When we are willing to put aside anything that we can put aside that is holding us back in order to be like Him, we are willing to have a change of heart. And that is what He gives us. I do not claim that I am on the highway to perfection, but I have felt a mighty change in my life so maybe I'm at least on a surface street. But the amazing thing is, when I gave up those few things I could give up I was changed. Now I am faced with a new set of sins to relinquish. But I couldn't even see them as sins until the change of heart. The Savior gives us the ability to overcome everything when we make our token effort on some things. So the moral of the story is: do you want to have a new heart? Do you want to have a new heart in the amount of...?

Consecration, Opportunity Cost and Zion

It is with a little trepidation that I approach this subject. But it has been on my mind lately so I will attempt to share my views. The subject is wealth and money. Before I really get going I would like to add a disclaimer that many of the views expressed in this post will be particularly from LDS doctrine and scripture, however, most of these things are also reaffirmed in the New Testament and so are applicable to any Bible believing Christian.

In the New Testament, a young man approached Jesus and asked what he should do to inherit eternal life. Jesus answered that the man should obey the commandments. The man answered honestly that he had kept the commandments from his youth. He then asked "what lack I yet?" It is that question that begins a consecrated life. And so often, the reply is what ends that consecrated life. Jesus answered in effect "sell everything you own, give it to the poor and follow me." And the man went away sorrowing because the price for eternal life was more than he wanted to pay. Consecration to me is simply giving everything to our Heavenly Father. It includes money and worldly possessions and also time, energy and commitment. The law of consecration as given to the old world apostles as well as the prophet Joseph Smith involved the members of the church of Christ giving everything to the church and getting a portion back according to their needs. In the olden day and latter day churches the law of consecration was withdrawn because of the selfishness and the greed of the members (Acts 5:1-10, D&C 119)

. This selfishness and greed is what led the Savior to say that it is "easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven (Mark 10:25)." Now, there are different interpretations of this statement. Whether the eye of the needle is the small walking gate in the walls of Jerusalem, or a metaphoric example of something impossible... either way, the imagery is striking. There is another parable that Jesus told about "a certain rich man" who had a surplus harvest. When he saw that surplus, instead of giving it to somebody else he decided to build bigger warehouses in order to hold his goods for himself. Then he says to himself that he is doing that so that he can live comfortably for the rest of his life. The catch is that the man dies that night. All of those riches that he was hoarding were useless to him (Luke 12:15-21). His great wealth and his "comfortable" life died with him, and all he had left was what he had consecrated. Joseph Smith said "the faith necessary unto the enjoyment of life and salvation never could be obtained without the sacrifice of all earthly things (Joseph Smith, Lectures on Faith, Lecture 6)." We cannot inherit Eternal Life if we are not willing to sacrifice all earthly things. That's an incredible statement, but it is also incredibly intense. Are we all willing to sacrifice the cars, the houses, the TVs, and any other comforts for our place in God's kingdom? If not, then we are like the young man who walked away from Jesus sorrowing.

This leads me to a principle of economics that I have been thinking about lately. In economics, the cost of something is what is given up in order to get that something. If a manufacturing plant can produce 20 pens and 20 pencils an hour, then in order to make more pens, they would have to take production from the pencils. So, assuming that it takes the same amount of effort/supplies to manufacture both pens and pencils, the opportunity cost of a pen is a pencil. Sometimes we associate cost with money, but this is not always the case. If you have to wait for 6 hours outside a store in the snow for $50 off a TV on black friday, you'll know what I'm talking about. Those 6 hours are more cost than the $50 for most people. So... the moral of the story is that sometimes the cost for something is more than we can afford to pay. Unfortunately, so often the cost of becoming rich and successful is time and energy taken from family and God. The justification is so often "I have to put in the time now, so that I can spend more (or better) time later." What a tragedy it is to think like that! Those precious moments with young children, or the opportunities to lift another of Father's children to a better place are perishable. No matter how much time we spend later, it will never replace the time we could have spent now. Especially if "later" never comes. What if, like the man in the Savior's parable, our souls are required of us before "later." It is sadly also often the case that those who have grand ambitions to give later end up coveting their own goods when they obtain them. If we take advantage of those opportunities that we have to improve our relationships with God and our family now, then we are more likely to continue that when we have riches. In that case, the opportunity cost of being rich, is Eternal Life.

When the law of consecration was withdrawn and the law of tithing was put into place, it was a rebuke, much the same as when the Lord gave the Israelites the law of Moses as a lesser law. It seems that as we have become more affluent, we have accepted this as fine. Now there may be some people who think that they are poor and that none of this applies to you. Until I thought about it, I considered myself poor as well. But the fact that you are reading this means that you have a computer. That means that you also have electricity, and I am guessing indoor plumbing. More than likely you have a car, but if not then you have buses or a bicycle. You have a grocery store down the street where you can buy bananas from South America, olive oil from the Mediterranean, wheat from Iowa and tuna from Japan. Even the very destitute in our society live better than most upper class people in the history of the world. And as a poor college kid, I live better than almost every king in every age of the world. And yet, I want more. And I know that I am not alone in that. What a tragedy that I give my 10% and pat myself on the back when I can afford to give so much more. I am perfectly satisfied with this lesser law because it means that I don't really have to forgo anything in order to feel good about myself. C.S. Lewis said that if we are not giving enough to affect our lifestyle then we are not giving enough. He says that "the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc., is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charity expenditure excludes them (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, 86)." This quote always reminds me about the story of the widow's mite. When Jesus saw the Sadducees giving their gifts and giving their abundance, he was less than impressed, but when he saw a widow giving her last mite (equivalent of about 5 cents) to charity, he said that she had given more than anyone else. The difference was that their lifestyle was not affected at all. With all that they gave, they still had much more. The widow may have been facing starvation in order to give her contribution. This percentage is what matters. Now, that's where people who are completely satisfied with the lesser law of tithing will say that we're equal. If everyone gives 10% then we all give the same. Recently many of the billionaires of the world gave half of their fortunes to charity. Some would say that their 50% was much more than the 10% that others give. However, these people could still buy a small island with what they have left, whereas some people can't pay their rent after giving their 10%. The saduccees and the widow may have both paid 10% but the Savior said that the widow gave more. I am sure that He recognized that the rich contributions could help more of the poor, but in the long run that wasn't the point.

The Book of Mormon is about a society of people who were destroyed because of pride. Because of their particular culture, this pride was often manifest in them wearing "costly apparel." For some reason, rich clothing was their status symbol. What are our status symbols? That mansion on the hill, or that extremely expensive car like Rolls Royce or Bentley. Now I have heard countless justifications from those who have those or who want them. They most often go something like this: "I can afford it, so what's wrong with it?", or "I like nice things. If I give to charity then I can reward myself right?" What is the difference between a Bentley and a Toyota except that most people can have a Toyota, but only a select few people can have a Bentley?What is the difference between a comfortable home with enough space for a family and a huge mansion on the hill? Many people can have a comfortable home, and only a select few people can have a mansion on a hill. Now, it is not my place to judge those who have these luxury items, but it begs the question of why? What is the difference between the costly apparel of the Nephites and the Bentleys and mansions and yachts of our day?

This brings me to the idea of Zion. Now this is not official doctrine, but it is my opinion after reading the Doctrine and Covenants that Zion, like exaltation is not a toy that can be just given to us. I believe that we must first start living like we want Zion to be here, and then it will come. So how would people in a Zion society act? What if, instead of buying the $60,000 BMW, we buy a $30,000 Toyota, and give the rest of the money to help others in some way. There are thousands of different charities and ways to break out of selfishness. I am not going to go through what the best ways are to help others. The point is that we should be much less concerned about getting things and be more concerned with how we can give. What if instead of that mansion, we buy something that is comfortable and give all the money we would have spent to charity. Why should we be satisfied with the lesser law when we can choose to live the higher? When we quote Jacob saying "After ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches if ye seek them" we often miss the next sentence which says in essence that you will be given the riches because you will use them to help other people. It doesn't say that you will get them to lavishly spend on yourself, and then spend a lot on charity too. The purpose of those riches is not the boats or the cars or the toys. The only purpose is to give. So let's start today. Let's not wait until we have more to give more. Let's start now and give as much as we can, and then if our circumstances improve then we will already be in the habit of giving the right percentage, and the only thing that will change is the amount. And may we bring Zion, rather than waiting for her to come to us.

Our Life is Flying by...

So much has happened this past year.  Chris just finished his second year at BYU.  Only two more to go!  He is taking spring and summer classes so it will be pretty busy the rest of this year.  It will also be our two year anniversary in a month.  It has also been 3 years that I have been baptized into this amazing gospel.  I am so happy that I was able to become part of this amazing church and be sealed to my family forever.  But our biggest news is that our little stud is one years old now!  I can't believe how much he has grown and that he actually was able to fit in my stomach at one time.  During this year he has learned so much!  His new favorite thing to do is play "patty cake."  We kept teaching him everyday but after a couple of weeks, he finally got it down. He still cannot walk!  He is just perfectly fine and content getting to things by crawling I guess.  He loves being sneaky and getting into things he shouldn't.  He always gives this little evil smirk every time we look over at him being naughty.  It's SO cute! He also has MANY nicknames which include fatty, face, fatso, tinker, zoom, and nutso.  I know he will be the greatest big brother whenever we have another baby. I think the biggest thing that has changed in him has been his looks!  He looks like a COMPLETELY different baby.  Here are some pictures from when he was born to now!

1 week old

2 weeks old

1 month old

2 months old

3 months old

4 months old

5 months old

6 months old

7 months old

8 months old

10 months old

 One years old

Now!

Shadows and Perfection

"Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're... less than perfect." Song by Pink

I heard this song on the radio the other day and it got me thinking (I know: dangerous). This song simply vocalizes what the world would tell all of us about ourselves. The song talks about how we are perfect no matter what we do or what we become. In essence, whatever seems to feel right to you should be perfect to the rest of us.

Now before I go any further I would like to say something about judging. It has always been fascinating to me that of all of the people that Christ was around while he was alive, the ones who he condemned the most were the Pharisees. The Pharisees were a group of ultra religious Jews who were obsessed with keeping the commandments. Well, they were obsessed with keeping their version of the commandments. Unfortunately they were more obsessed with watching others to make sure they also obeyed the commandments. It was this self righteousness that was condemned by the Savior, who associated with thieves and prostitutes and dishonest businessmen. This group eventually was responsible for Jesus' death, because His gospel did not fall under their interpretation of the commandments. His rebukes of them were biting and forceful. When all of this is considered, we need to be very careful that we don't also fall victim to this self righteousness and hypocrisy. In fact these can be the most damning sins because they keep us from looking at ourselves and repenting. A prostitute or drug addict will never look at their lives and say to themselves "I'm doing a great job, and I don't have a need to change." They may lack the self discipline or the motivation to change, but they would never tell themselves that change is not needed. When we become self righteous, we don't look inward for faults, we look at everyone else which keeps us from drawing closer to God through repentance.

Keeping that in mind, I return to the song that got me thinking. There is born in each of us a divine discontent that senses what we could be and so doesn't allow us to settle for what we are. The world would try to stifle that voice. "Don't worry, you don't have to try to be better, you're perfect the way you are." At no point did Jesus ever say to ANYONE that they were "good enough." He was constantly trying to motivate them and lift them higher than what they otherwise could have been. That is what His sacrifice was all about. There would have been no need for Him to suffer and die if the way we are was good enough.

Let me digress again to say that this divine discontent is not hopelessness or feelings of inadequacy. The fact that we are not "good enough" is something to rejoice in, rather than be depressed over. God who knows everything wants us to become more than we are, which means He know that we can become more. He expects more from us because He knows our potential. In fact feeling hopeless is the last thing He wants from us. When we take it upon ourselves to limit ourselves or despair in our failings, we deny the atonement. Who are we to tell God who we can or can't become? Who are we to say to the Lord of the universe who created us and knows us perfectly, "Oh I know that you want me to be better, but I just can't be that good or powerful or righteous. I better stay the way I am. Thanks for suffering everything for me Jesus, but I'd rather live far beneath my potential." Can any of us imagine saying that to Him? But in effect when we give up, or despair, that's what we are doing.

The secret to all of this is that it is He who will point out where we need to improve. He will tell us what we need to change. And He knows our capacities and our strengths and weaknesses. But the secret to hearing His voice is to be humble enough to listen. His voice can come through the rantings of an angry family member, or from the quiet, gentle urgings of a church authority. It can come from our own guilt or from the slandering of our greatest enemy. But wherever it comes from, we can open our ears and our hearts and feel the stirrings that will inform us what it is we need to change and to improve upon. And then we must immediately act on those promptings.

Today I was walking with my son. He exercised his legs and thereby strengthened the muscles that will carry him through his childhood of play and laughter and owies. He was able to coordinate the feet that will carry him through adolescence with its trials and awkwardness and through a mission with its growth and accomplishment. Those legs will tremble slightly as he marries a worthy young lady and will stand strong in support and defense of that family. His legs have a long way to go, but he already has them, and all he needs to do is improve what he already has.

As we were walking, the sun was setting behind us and it cast our shadows across the pavement. His was so tiny compared to mine, but it was the same shape. He had a head, and two arms and two legs. But he is not my size yet, and it will take a lot of growth for him to get there, but he can get there. The best thing about the pair of shadows was that his hand was in mine and so our shadows were connected. He needed my hand for balance and support and through that union I could lend my strength to him. But sometimes he would get tired and give up and let go of my hand and sink to the ground. He wanted to crawl because that is more comfortable to him. He can't know what greater freedom walking will bring to him. He can't understand that running and kicking a ball are in his future. He doesn't know and so holding my hand seems hard to him. Of all the things that God could have us call him, He has asked us to call Him Father. He has a hand just like mine and it reaches down to each of us. We can draw strength from it as He pulls us along and gives us balance and support. But we can't be content to crawl. We have to reach up and grab His hand. I hope that we can do that. And I hope that we never ever feel that we're perfect. At least not yet.

The Natural Man

Disclaimer: Unlike much of my writing, this blog contains some religious material that is from our faith: The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. This blog is not an official statement of doctrine, and is the author's opinion. Any questions about the official doctrine of the church may be answered by visiting http://www.mormon.org.

In this day of moral relativism there are two words that have been grossly twisted by the intellectual community. These words are tolerance and natural. These manipulations have done a wonderful job at promoting immoral and unethical lifestyles. The societal norm, which in our grandparent's day was a safeguard against promiscuity, adultery, pornography, dishonesty and other heinous sins, has been replaced by a new societal norm in which the only thing that is seen as wrong is saying that something is wrong. As I watch the popular culture of our wonderful nation slide further and further into the gutter, I am incredibly fearful for my own son's future in this increasingly disgusting world. And so I wish to put the record straight about the meanings that these words are supposed to convey so that we can hopefully adjust some of our thinking and in so doing adjust some of our behavior.

Merriam-Webster defines tolerance in several different ways. One of them is what most people think of when they say the word tolerance. It is: "sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices differing from or conflicting with one's own." However, I think that the other definitions are also good to look at. This one: "the maximum amount of a pesticide residue that may lawfully remain on or in food" is my favorite. Leave it to the FDA to help me define what I think tolerance today really is. But lets return to the first definition. Sympathy conveys that you feel sorry for a person's beliefs or practices. When you feel sorry for someone, you typically try to help them improve their situation. This is not considered wrong and is really what tolerance is all about. We don't condemn or judge, but we have sympathy and try to help them fix whatever situation we feel sorry for. Indulgence is what the world focuses on when they drop the word tolerance. Indulgence conveys images of a parent-child relationship in which the parent spoils or indulges the child. In other words the parent allows the child to make decisions that the child is not ready to make in regards to his/her appetites and desires. This harmful parent-child relationship, if carried to its extreme, leads to childhood obesity, a sense of entitlement and utter disregard for others. It also erodes or altogether eliminates self control. This is what we do when we indulge our children, and as parents have indulged their children, it has led us as a society to indulge disgusting and corrupt practices that erode the moral fabric around which any good society must be built.

Now, I don't want to make the impression that I am a closed minded bigot who wants all immorality stamped out violently. I am not a fanatic. What I do want to make the impression of is that I am sick of being called closed minded or bigoted when I call evil evil. The political correctness of our day has made it so that our opinions have to be so closely shrouded in proper vernacular that we can no longer express our opinions in a way that leaves no doubt as to where we stand. This is a tragedy. I can no longer express tolerance in a way that is sympathetic. I can no longer seek to help those who are in the wrong path because just by saying there is a wrong path I have become hopelessly politically incorrect. I have to be indulgent or silent. The fact is there is such thing as a wrong path. The human machine was made to operate in certain ways and operating it in any other way is wrong. Even though something may feel good or seem easy, does not make it right or acceptable.

This leads me to the second word that I feel is being used in all the wrong ways today: natural. Natural means literally "from nature." I have heard this word used as justification for so many things that are not right. I remember having a discussion about pornography and a person said "looking at pornography is bad but it comes from a totally natural thing, which is for a man to check out a woman." Yup, totally agree. I would even say that looking at pornography is a natural thing as well. You could look at it as browsing at the grocery store. Since sex is on the same "natural" level as eating, it only makes sense that browsing for food and browsing for sexual fulfillment are on the same level. No matter that even as women make great strides to become independent and free from male dominated society, pornography is objectifying and diminishing them much more than any 1950s husband ever did. No matter that since pornography has become widespread, the divorce and infidelity rates have become equally widespread. No matter... it's natural. This same justification has been used for homosexuality, adultery, and masturbation and those are just the ones I've heard. No doubt it is also used for justification of many other deeply heinous sins. Lets carry this to its logical conclusion. If saying something is natural is the same as saying it is acceptable, then where would we be? In the natural world carnivorous males often dominate their female herds/packs/prides (polygamy). When the male feels sexually inclined, he has sex with any female within reach (rape) including his own daughters/sisters/mother (incest). If another male threatens his standing or seeks to encroach his territory, he fights with and kills him (murder). If there is not enough food to share, the male simply eats his young or a hurt member of the herd/pack/tribe (cannibalism). Just watch Animal Planet for a day and you will very quickly see that we do not want natural to equal acceptable. Indeed there has to be a great deal of self restraint in any civilized society. So it is clear that we cannot look to nature for our moral guidance, so where can we look?

From the Book of Mormon comes this inciteful verse "For the natural man is an enemy to God ... and will be forever unless he putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord." The natural man is an ENEMY to God. Well that settles it. When somebody tells me something is "natural" that's probably a good indication that I want to stay as far away from it as possible. In the example above about "checking out" women as being natural, Christ himself said "and whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already in his heart." If adultery is bad, which it almost universally is considered to be, then pornography and all of its disgusting offspring is too. If we say that to kill in anger is natural but wrong, wouldn't it be safe to say that there are other natural things that are also wrong?

Now, the next time that you seek to justify some action because it is natural... think about

whether it is right, because quite frankly, when deciding whether or not to do something, whether or not it is natural is irrelevant. Let's try to be tolerant the right way. We should respect all people but never indulge practices that are contrary to God's commandments. Let us stand up and say "I respect you as a person, and I love you and so does God, but what you are doing is not right." That is still tolerant. We can say "I have sympathy for the makers of this filth they call a movie, but I will not let their corruption into my house." We don't have to push the limits of the FDA definition of tolerance by seeing how much poison can remain in our diets. If more people can do this, then I can have hope for the world that I am passing onto my son, but if not then I am afraid that we will come to know what exactly it means to be an "enemy to God."

Relationships

So the last few days I have been reading a book called Men and Women: Enjoying The Difference by Dr. Larry Crabb. I haven't actually gotten into the part where he talks about men and women's differences, but his chapters about the problems that are universal in relationships has changed the way I look at everything in my relationships. Now this is not my first relationship book, and it won't be my last, but I will read them all with a different eye now. Now, this author is a born again Christian and so it often lacks the Eternal Marriage perspective that LDS authors have, but for right here and right now, this guy is right on the money.

The first thing he talks about is the two "camps" of Christian counseling. The first is what he calls the moralistic approach. That approach is basically the: you do lots of good things and repent of the bad things, approach. The other is what he calls the Egalitarian approach. That is the: lets talk about the deep wounds that you have inside and deal with those issues so that you can love yourself enough to love others, approach. He then explains why both approaches miss the mark. Yes, you may need to do more things to improve yourself morally, and yes you may have unresolved deep seated issues that inhibit your ability to relate properly, but that is not the core problem. The core problem is that we love ourselves more than anyone else. Both of those popular approaches doesn't deal with human selfishness as what it is. Selfishness is not an inconsequential oversight, and it's not a symptom of a far deeper hurt, it's a disgusting sin that needs to be seen in its ugliness and repented of.

Now in saying this, I don't mean to discredit or discount professional counseling. I truly believe that it does a lot of good for a lot of people. But I would still say that asking people to focus on themselves as a solution to a problem, even if that focusing is to try to fix themselves, is not the best answer. Too often, focusing on our own needs and desires and issues just leads to more selfishness. Consider a woman, deeply troubled by her childhood abuse at the hands of a trusted family member, be it physical or sexual. She builds walls that make it very difficult for her to relate to her husband, fearing that he is just like her abuser: kind on the outside, but really just waiting for an opportune time to hurt her. Her husband was raised in a home with little affection. He grew up tough and independent, but inside he still yearns for affection and for someone to tell him that he is good enough. Now his issues are not nearly as deep as his wife's, but they are still there. Because his wife, through no fault of her own, has problems trusting, she withholds affection from her husband who desperately needs it to validate his hard work. In turn, if he has a good moralistic self discipline he doesn't fight with her, he just simply grows cold and becomes even more independent. His wife takes his lack of affection as proof that he really doesn't love her, and starts inventing things that he is doing to try to hurt her.

Now, let's take a moment and analyze this. This is not at all an unusual marriage. Perhaps not all marriages have these problems, but every spouse comes laden with his/her own special baggage. Both parties are really hurting. So what is the solution? At first, the husband thinks that his wife deserves his coldness, because after all, his wife is unresponsive to his need for affection. His wife on the other hand believes that he doesn't deserve her affection because of whatever sins, real or imagined by her, that he has committed. It's a vicious cycle and one that will only drive this couple farther and farther apart. Well, luckily this particular couple is committed to their marriage, so they decide to get counseling.

After months of counseling the woman's repressed memories of childhood abuse are revealed. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, she is not really rejecting him, but is rejecting the memories of the abuse that manifest themselves through him. The counselor then shares that the real reason that she does this is because she still blames herself for the abuse and doesn't think that she is worthy of affection. The husband also discovers that he has sought his whole life for the approval of his father, but that approval never came, and so now he is dependent on his wife for that approval. The counselor tells the husband that when his wife pushes him away, that is when she needs the most love. The counselor then tells the wife that the best thing that she can do for her marriage is to praise her husband. They are sent home from counseling with a game plan to get their marriage back on track.

When they try to put this into practice though, the real enemy of their relationship shows up: selfishness. When the husband gets rejected, he continues to love his wife and reach out to her. For the first week or two he does it with no resentment. After a while though he starts to say to himself "Why doesn't my wife understand that I need reassurance sometimes too? Why do I have to be the strong one. She's just being selfish(because when we are in a selfish mindset, we say that everyone else is). I'm a victim too." He rehearses in his mind what he wants to say to her, to express his needs like he was taught in counseling. Then he decides that this conversation probably wouldn't help his wife do what he wanted her to do, so he doesn't bring it up. He decides to be "patient." Now here's the critical part. Instead of recognizing that his selfish thoughts were sinful, and repenting of them and using the atonement to change his heart, he congratulates himself on not fighting with his wife. Instead of using it as an opportunity to ask Christ for a deeper, more lasting change, he pats himself on the back for behaving himself.

Now, isn't that good though? He didn't fight after all, and isn't that what we're going for in marriage, and in life? The answer is it's not good. He simply adds that almost-fight to his list of things that he does for his wife, that she doesn't do for him. Then it happens again and again and again. It's like putting barrels of gunpowder in a room with a 50 year old space heater. Meanwhile, the wife is doing the same thing. Every time she does give him affection she recognizes that it was difficult for her. She thinks, "he just doesn't understand how hard it is for me to block out these memories every time he needs validation. He's so selfish, why does he want to put me through that? I am doing better than before, why can't he appreciate what I am doing for him rather than always needing more?" So every time she gives him the praise that he so desperately needs, she marks it off as one more thing she does for him that he doesn't understand.

Do you see the problem here? Even as they are physically serving each other, the root feeling of selfishness is still there. In essence they say, "sure I will do for you," but inside it is really about themselves. Now let's consider another example of someone who had considerable baggage. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. He grew up in a rural town and was a pretty popular kid. At the age of 30 he decides to start telling people about who He really is in an attempt to help them understand how to return to His father. Because of this, His whole town turns on Him and tries to throw Him off a cliff. Meanwhile the most powerful judicial body in His country plots to have Him killed. After 3 short years He is asked by His father to do what He was sent to do. In a way that we do not comprehend, He takes upon Himself the pain of every sin that ever was or ever will be. Now, if He were like us, He could have marked that one down as something He did for everyone that we don't do for Him. He could have thought, "alright Pharisees, I just bled from every pore, now it's my turn to be taken care of. Come on Pilate and you soldiers; do you have any idea what you owe me?" Instead I think His words were "forgive them father, for they know not what they do."

If anybody had cause to complain, or to think about themselves... He did. If anyone had a right to think a selfish thought or say "I have to think about what's best for me right now," He did. But He didn't do any of that because it was never about Him. It was about everyone else. But, the good news is that because He did that, all of us can recognize our own selfishness and repent of it. When we have those negative thoughts, ask forgiveness of your spouse. Don't explain that it was negative, but if it weren't for your mean dad, you wouldn't have acted like that. Don't lovingly help your spouse understand that if it weren't for your extremely rigid and strict mother, you wouldn't act that way. Just say, selfishness is ugly and I was being selfish. I'm sorry. Instead of trying to "act" unselfishly, try to be unselfish. Put other's needs, especially your spouse's, before your own. And don't do it because you don't like conflict, or because you're too tired to fight that day, or because you've made a commitment not to act badly anymore. Do it because your spouse needs you. Do it because you care for him/her deeply and want nothing more than his/her happiness. Do it because you're tired of being selfish.

The other day, I sat Gabby down and asked her forgiveness for every bad thought and selfish motive that I could think of. It let me realize that I really am a selfish jerk. Now, I would love to say that that is all there is to it, but just 5 hours ago that selfishness came back. It's not a simple thing to do and hopefully with practice and help from the Savior, I will be able to overcome myself, but the best thing is that I don't have any illusions about myself as a husband anymore. And in that honest state Christ can work with me. I know that we can all do it, and I know that if we let go or ourselves, He will replace them with Himself. So let's try, and let's see if we can make our relationships just a little stronger.

New Blog!

So our new blog for some reason wasn't working and was saying our blog didn't exist when you clicked on it, so we have started a new one!  Come follow it!

Lots has happened since 2010.  Brayden will already be a year old this coming April.  We will also be married two years in May.

He is so big.  He is a little crawling and standing machine.  We love him so much.  Today Chris was telling me that when he was upstairs with him, Brayden would hear my voice and say "ma ma ma" out loud and then when I would stop talking, he wouldn't say anything.  He is so smart.  I know he will be a fantastic big brother in the future.

I think it's so crazy how much he has changed in a year.  He was born with VERY dark hair.  He pretty much looked exactly like me.  Now he looks exactly like Chris with his blonde hair.  He still has blue eyes like me and my little nose but everything else is Chris.

BEFORE

AFTER

:)